This was going to be some huge rant but I’ve decided against that, instead I’m going to show you this, I know they’re adverts but they make me happy.

Yesterday we went on a bus over the hill and into Halifax. Pretty much everything was shut because it's an 1890's town. However an empty Halifax isn't such a bad thing. Had a pub lunch and bought random stuff from wilkinsons.

I like those little bus rides, they clear the air. In a strange mood today, this is coming out in chunks.

We're officially in winter, lock down the hatches.

Is it all perspective? It feels like we're having to do a lot of heavy graft. I was just about to get on top of money and then a four hundred quid bill comes out. Find a job that I can do and which is really close but it means i've got to do two sleep in shifts a week. Fix one thing and something else breaks. The other day I lost a bag of library books, my own fault, I was drunk but there was something about it when I remembered that just felt like one too many bitchy mood swings from fate. Got a leak somewhere in the hallway which is annoying me because I can't find it and I'm starting to believe this place is haunted. It's not just me, Jo's going through a similar time, losing ten pounds and finding five.

Do you believe in luck? The idea that outside forces might slant or create a bias towards or away from what you'd call success? It's a strange concept. If two people flip a coin in exactly the same conditions do they have the same chance of guessing the result?

Its always been about. I suppose drawing dead animals on a cave was an attempt to increase good luck. Most magic is meant to do that. Is that just a way of taking responsibility aka blame away from our mistakes. Or possibly it's a way of taking away credit from somebody elses successes because we don't find them deserving. Or maybe we ponder those options because people as a species can't think outside cause and effect and have to dismiss the concept of luck so we all have a level playing field and everything is under our control. It's well known that if we're in a situation that isn't under our control we'll over shadow it with something that is. We demand measured effort to measured reward and call that justice. In that way we naturally pulled away from heredity rule and became a meritocracy.

The only problem with that is there are things we simply can't explain through that process. How some people stumble across great business ideas, how some people get published or get approached for a fully funded PHD in Rome. It could be the system is so complex that one end doesn't seem like it's related to the other, or it could be that fate favours some people.

But if that was the case it would surely have to know what a person was wanting. How would fate know I didn't want a dirty great water stain in my hallway? It would have to come from yourself, it's only yourself that knows what you want, and most of the time even you don't know.

If it does exist how would you change it? Guess we've been asking that question a long time. By all accounts a Roman Emperor cancelled a whole invasion because he snagged his cloak on a nail. There's still a running joke, based on a common understanding which states you cannot say “at least it's not raining.” because you'll make it rain. We all have superstition and luck beliefs.

What would it be? Subtle manipulation of times, of events? I think some of it is perspective but not as much as people would have us believe. If you win £200,000 you have more time to do what you want and more opportunity, glass half full or not that's just a better situation.

What got that person to that ticket isn't big and wonderous and fantastical, it'll be pretty bog standard things but five minutes here, ten minutes there, letting that person go first, all that stuff adds up and then everything slots into place. Is that the winners good luck or the person before having bad luck? Who knows.

One thing for sure though is if you've got a morning spare to just idly ponder such things your life ain't so bad. I best go and get some stuff done.

 

 

Tags: luck

So I’ve been thinking maybe I should use this more often. Use it as an actual diary, maybe, I don’t know, lets just chuck that in the air and see how it goes.
So tonight I’m doing the sleep at work which I don’t like doing for the startling uncomplicated reason that I’m going out with a girl I like spending time with. However if you want to be all ten buck smile about it the place I’m working at tonight isn’t bad, in fact it’s one of my favourites. One of the guys left a few weeks ago so it’s not as happy as it was but it’s still got just enough going on to make you feel like you’re at work but not that much it melts your head. Finish there at 15:00 tomorrow, come home, probably get some sleep then go out with Jo and a group of all-sorts-of-folk because it’s Friday night. Shall have to take it steady though because I’m working on the Saturday morning and just recently I’ve been able to drink about half what I usually would.
In a happier mood than I have been, not that I’ve been miserable, just been a little lost, more power than traction. Reason being is I’ve sent off for a home learning course, level 3 criminology. They reckon it’s going to take 80 to 150 hours of study to complete and it’s pretty cool because you can start and finish it when you want. Which is what I need. It’s cost me two hundred quid which is a bit of a worry but I think it’s going to be worth it while I’m an RCO just to say I’m doing something. Also if I was to go to college a level four would cost me over six grand, where as here it costs me a little over four hundred quid. Found a level four in life coaching which I think my next venture is going to be.
What else.
We’ve got a dehumidifier which, like the other appliances in this house, seems to be quite angry. Fills it’s self up in a few hours and I think it might be draining next doors fish tank or something.
At the moment I’m reading about time and something else about the workhouses, still practising contact juggling, going on the unicycle when I’ve got time and generally stopping out of trouble, guess it’s been about three months since I gave up smoking also.
Ah yeah, it was twelve months ago Monday that I first said boo to a girl in Manchester. Not just any girl you understand, I mean that girl, it’s not like I just go to cities and say boo to strangers, you shouldn’t think that of me, that’d be weird.
Need a bit of focus I think. Was talking to Jo about moving next year and it sounds really good, working part time, studying what we want, it’s just finding that best route to get there.
Anyway I’m going to go do dishes, maybe i should find a face for here.

So I’m just watching a zombie film and I’m wondering why they’re so popular. Its more than that, it’s an ice breaker question and a scenario you can put to must people in a pub and not get  a funny look.
I think it boils down to three things. One is people miss being in a small group. They always end up with like six or seven of them. Two is people dream of a time when life is as simple as get food, get shelter, be able to defend self against monsters. I think people long for a day when as a group they’ve crawled into a cave, blocked it off, wrapped in a blanket and now swap stories about survival old summer days with happy partners. I also think in a gritty kind of way people are for ever fighting against their own instinctual reactions to people. I think people piss us off pretty much every day but we can barely pass a strong word on through fear of upsetting somebody or standing out. I think a lot of us would like nothing better than to attack somebody without having to moralise and socially restrict ourselves. Which is kinda funny because that’s what the zombies are doing, we just want to have more control when we’re doing it. No zombie is known as a hero, apart from that wanky one in day of the dead. I suppose it would also make things a lot easier with regard to fitting in if everybody else was a monster. Not much point in being socially apt there. I also wonder if some of the less successful in relationships fancy the idea their chances would be improved if there were only five people left.
The problem with them relates to a secret myself and Jo uncovered in a conversation in a bar. It’s that the best stories need the best characters. The reason you keep going back to a film or a book isn’t because you enjoy the list of events that unfold but because you like the characters, at least one of them. In most zombie films the characters are wank. I can’t think of one where I really cared if they made it or not. But I think that might be the case with horror in general. I think people got all confused when they found CGI.
Anyway best find something to do.

Tags: horror, zombie

So instead I’m going to come and rant on here as a subtle compromise.
Yeah it was a bit dark and muddy that wasn’t it, though I don’t think you can really write a post about something that is making you miserable in a happy go lucky tone, some kind of tap dancing tragedy.
So come here an we’ll laugh and smile and dance a green mile and if you come a little closer I’ll make you a charm to add to your pile.
It’s not all face pressed against rain streaked glass. To be honest I do feel a little like I’m complaining about my exotic beech house getting sand in it. “My wallets too small for my fifties and my diamond shoes are too tight.”
There are niggling problems, the bank has sent me yet another letter today saying I can’t afford to do what I do. Doing work as a RCO is pulling me down a bit and the fact that I’m still feeling grotty after much trial and error is doing my tree in. But all this is related to work or lack of, even the health side is aggravated by stress it seems. So the only thing that needs to fall into place really is finding a decent job that’s not going to make me miserable. Not really a bad situation to be in.
I’m one of the few souls I know that’s going out with the person they’re madly in love with. Quit smoking which I’ve been meaning to do for years which opens up quite a lot which I’d immediately put a dampner on, like looking after myself lol. It’s also cool because I feel a little less Egor ish, it loses it’s cool when you need it. Got an interesting and familiar circle around me, went to a bar the other night and got collared by a handful of people as I walked round trying to find somewhere to sit, which is pretty much all I want from that side of it. Got a few problems with one friend but hopefully I’m going to go sort that in about twenty minutes. Got a big pile of stuff that interests me and excites me. Got an email from the council whom have shown an interest in a new PCP model I was talking about, geeky but cool, there could one day be a nationally used tool in social care called the Mark Scale of Independence lol, that’d be super. I think that’s where I’d like to be going, coming up with crazy new ideas to make the mad people happy and the sane people more understanding. I think very much for all my kicking and wondering I’m designed for that kind of thing and there’s not much point in arguing any more.
Strange how life can seem so much of one thing or another. I loads better now i'd not a thing has changed. I think the term life is what you make it is really lacking. Think more accurately life is what you think it is.
What’s more is we’re going into autumn which is a season for wealth as metal is at it’s best after being at it’s worst all summer. It’s also my natural element even though I don’t think of Autumn starting until at least mid-September, is there an exact day? There is something quite comforting about that idea though, the concept that there will be times, blocks of months through out the year where you will naturally do well or naturally get bugger all done but that’s okay. Some kind of system would do us wonders right now I reckon.
Anyway I best go and see what’s going on. You take care now and I’ll speak to you in a lil while.

I did a waking night at work last night, started at two in the afternoon so I’ve been awake about twenty six hours so if this comes out as gibberish then bring it back with proof of purchase and I’ll give you a fresh one.
Last night I decided I’d better drop the writing for a while. Annoying because I really like doing it but I think it’s having a weird effect on me. But then I guess it would if you spend all of your spare time immersing yourself in a world so you can accurately describe the sound of a guys entrails being ripped out and you can capture and communicate the mood the victims partner fell into as they watched. As fun as that is I think it’s straightening my smile some what.
I’ve always had a strange relationship with fiction writing. Very similar to the relationship I had with alcohol. I really enjoy it and I think with a bit of practise I could be relatively good at it but it soaks up all my time and I get weird when I can’t do it. The way I go about it though is pretty destructive anyway. I don’t want clichés and things people don’t believe in. I want to take this world we live in and just show how easily it can become something different and how many things there is that aren’t understood. I take simple things, small things, sometimes happy things and try to just file them down gently until they’re something to be scared of. There’s two really scary things in horror tales I think. One is a prime evil fear of the unknown, the other, I suppose a close relative of that, is a fear of madness. A fear that you’ve finally lost your marbles. But then you break that down a little and it turns into a fear of loss of control, because when you’re that kind of mad anything goes and if it’s not the demons trying to possess you it’s the shrinks, but there’s also a massive fear of isolation, because your family and friends at best don’t get you and at worst will turn you in. I suppose there’s a fear of a lack of identity there as well, if you don’t know what’s real you can’t be certain your reaction to it is real, and if it was real was it really yours, and if not then who’s was it? The problem is that part of my brain that can take something small and innocent and turn it into a worst case scenario isn’t a part I should be exercising. It fucks with your head too much asking what if to everything that came along. Turns into a massive game of ‘did I really turn the cooker off?’ it goes beyond planning and it’s not long before if you hear a word in a slightly disjointed sentence you’ve jumped to the absolute negative and you’re already reacting to it regardless. It intensifies everything, All your deepest & darkest emotions are right there, stuck to the back of your teeth because for twenty hours a day you’re using all your energy to keep them there as a sounding board because when you write about some guy finding his daughter nailed to a tree or what ever you want him to say and do something realistic. It’s not good for me and I’ve only just realised, I’ve accidentally possessed myself.
I think there will be a time when it’s not going to have that much of an effect on me but I’m pretty down on myself of late any road. I don’t want to be like this. It’s time to be more relaxed and straightened out. Enjoy what I’ve got rather than try and describe how much it would screw me up if I lost it. Just for a lil while at least.
Dam I want a cigarette, maybe I should get some sleep.

Tags: horror, writing

So that’s twenty six out the way. Curious year that was. My life is still very bitty but I seem to have got it down to the bits I need and realised a few bits I’m short of.
Had a good final days though I was let down a little by nerves and the urge to set fire to something/anything and inhale the fumes. Walking about a city so tiny and ornate it felt very much like a film set. Gargoyles pinned to every wall and the mad lights man turning a tower green for kicks. Fireworks over a castle seen from a hill and an embedded irony that lay in the fact if Edinburgh had always had that much gun powder at it’s disposal it wouldn’t have taken the beating it had, and had it not probably wouldn’t have cared much for fireworks. A warning from drunks for being on the wrong field. A band that was made up of people looking like every type of man in a job centre being commanded by instruments of expense in disguise. And we had cheese on toast, which was also cool.
So what’s next? Well I’m writing again. It’d be nice to see one through, not sure how long it’s been but I’ve not had a serious attempt in years  and before that I was struggling to finish anything. It’s different now though, I’m living with a lot of inspiration as well as a lot of answers.
What else. It’d be nice to get six months or so at something slightly different. I need to take what I’ve got experience wise further down the line, and maybe slightly to the side. Not sure where all that’s going but I’ve worked with some of the more difficult out of the groups so should be able to take it somewhere. I’ve been told a couple of times I should work with teenagers, suppose it could work, be better if they had some kind of drug addiction or mental illness, make me feel more at home. At the moment it’s just a case of walking into a building that has people that act in an odd way and you get filled in with the rest later on in the day. Nice to have worked with so many folk but I think it’s time to get something together. Getting a stable amount of money would also be nice lol.
So what’s coming up. Some interesting things going to happen in this house, not least of all we’re going to have a bit more money kicking round and more time in a strange way so we can see more of the world. Might have to dip into writing circles on occasion. Got winter nights coming in which makes everything feel a bit more comfortable and homely in my opinion. I suppose I can get myself organised as well, get geared up to move to where ever calls us next. So yup, pull the pieces in, enjoy what I’ve got, learn more of what I want. 

 I don’t really know where to start with this but I’m going to give it a shot. Truth is I don’t really like writing on here any more, it reminds me too much of last year which was 90% completely fucked and very lonely and things have changed so much now it’s crazy too look back but last night somebody really came through for me and I was sitting around wondering what I would’ve done at any other point in my life. The answer was pretty much that I’d get drunk, maybe try and work it out on paper, throw that away and find somebody with a problem I could talk about. Keep everybody out the way till I’d finally worked it out but then of course a dozen more discrepancies would appear and I’ve been working that cycle for a good number of years now.

I keep thinking how to word this, guess I’m out of practise lol, but it’s actually pretty simple, I spent most of my years trying to drive myself mad, damn near succeeded, saw that I could be happy, picked myself up and started taking it seriously. Kind of like the travel bug I guess, you might not do it for years but then you get there, you get that feeling and you realise how achievable it is, then you get off your arse and aim to keep that feeling. I’ve cleaned out a lot, cut some bits out because I get it now, I know what I want. In a way it’s quite comical to think some people might think I’ve found a bad influence because I’m changing so much, as though I’m being locked in a basement and given a list of strict orders, bullied into being something I don’t want to be. It’s comical because it’s that very mentality that I can be bullied so easily and dragged against my will that I want to get rid of, because it’s bullshit, which is why I’ve taken so many steps. Truth is people that can’t see what’s going on and how I’m feeling better because of what I have now either didn’t have a clue what I was about in the first place or must have some need for me to be a self harming/destructing drunk and I can’t see how either is going to get me closer to the person I want to be.

This is a woman that’s great for me in some ways I can tell you and in other ways I’d like to keep between us but in all ways conceivable. For example I’ve been ill for a while now and earlier today I put myself in her shoes. How would I be if for damn near the length of time we’d been going out I’d seen her be fine one minute and clutching her chest the next. If we were walking around town and she had to suddenly kneel on the floor and sit in pain until it passed. How would I be if there was nothing I could do and whenever she came back from a doctor she had no news. How would I be if she suddenly broke down next to me and said she didn’t know what the fuck to do. I know I wouldn’t go anywhere, I’d try and be as strong as possible for her, but I don’t think I’d do as good of a job as she does. In a lot of ways I think it’s harder for the person with the one having the trouble. We’ve been practically living together for about four months and never wanted it to be different. She makes me feel like I’m somewhere great and the places I’m going are even better. She’s somebody I can tell my problems before I’ve worked them out, a pretty huge thing for our blood line. Proud to walk down the street with her, proud to introduce her to people, feel her pride when she introduces me to others... Jo sugar I love you, and just wanted to say thanks xx

I’ll leave it there for now, I’ve got a lot of time ahead of me to write more, but not immediately.

Oh before I go though, Lucy, great to see you the other day, glad you guys had fun, glad you didn’t hate me lol, be cool to all meet up again.

& Rachel, don’t speak to you as much since I’m not on here but how’s it going? Course alright?

Mark

 

Ah it’s getting late isn’t it. Alright a proper update some other time, for now I’ve got something on my mind. I was jus talking to somebody really close to me and she sounded a bit down tonight. There’s a huge part of me that wants to be able to wake her up with breakfast and flowers and some of the reasons why she’s great, it annoys me I can’t. I mean this woman is fantastic, and in about sixteen hours I’m going to be talking to her in person again but that’s not quite enough for my head. I want her to wake up knowing how happy she makes folk, she deserves it. Kinda person that lets you lose just enough control over yourself to discover what it is you actually want. So I’m kinda hoping she’ll pick this up when she wakes up and before she starts to go about her day.

There was a song I used to think about her to, still do, thing is I wasn’t sure if she’d like it so I kinda kept that one to myself for a while, even though it was her accidental idea. I really like it though and it reminds me of her. I’ll listen to it before I go to bed and hopefully, about thirty miles and seven hours from here she’ll get the same feeling I have now. Hell maybe I’ll get a Pingu impression.

an as for the rest of you we'll do angry and crazy some time soon, i promise :)

Alright I don't normally do this but lets give it a shot.
I like this